Transparency: The gray side of marriage

If you follow me (@poshevents)on twitter late last night I tweeted that today would be the day I did a transparency post. My assistant Jenelle (@jenellethemodel) does transparency tweets all the time and I've always admired her courage to be totally exposed in her testimony. I've had an issue lying on my heart for quite sometime now and figured the blog is my ultimate medium, and I really miss blogging, so what better place and what better time?

In this industry we are often flooded with the ideal picture of love. What it is and what it should be. Society will tell you that if you are not married by xxx age, you are flawed, and when you do get married you live the perfect life, swept away by a prince and go off together into happily ever after land.

The reality is that this may not be the case.

As a newlywed I can honestly say the first year of marriage was quite the challenge. I love my husband and undeniably he loves me, however, I don't know if we were ever prepared for the road that would follow shortly after the "I dos". During the first year I must have answered to "how's married life" a million times, but never knowing exactly what to say. Do you say "challenging at times" or is perfect with a smile the only acceptable answer to give?

I do this for a living. How could I, Wedding planner, educated with three degrees, met my Mr. charming, married in my fantasy wedding, not say perfect? After all, I love my husband and he loves me.

The period of engagement is quite the fantasy. Everyone is so supportive of your love and your upcoming celebration that often times it is easy to lose sight of the purpose. The relationship. The bond. The legally binding, split everything in half, through thick and thin, bond...and all of a sudden the lights have faded on your ceremony and you wake up in your reality.

It's not always easy.

It's been laying so heavily on my heart to say the things that society is afraid to say. You may NOT live in a honeymoon phase for the first 5 years, or maybe not even the first 5 months. Your marriage will face challenges. You will hit speed bumps and road blocks just like any other relationship. You may even potentially face a problem that appears to be bigger than you, that will test your faith and your commitment. You may NOT want to be bothered sometimes. You may NOT be able to perform as the perfect husband or perfect wife and may not always know all of the answers. You WILL be disappointed in your spouse at times. It's reality and it's a reality that unfortunately no one ever speaks of so when you find yourself in the situation you feel abandoned, alone and dare I say it regretting your decision.

I've been there so I know it happens.

And it's perfectly OK.

What I've learned about "marriage", the institution, is that it withstands challenges, it is forgiving and it does overcome.

I married my better half a little over a year ago and what we've learned as a couple is that the formula for a great marriage is communication, dedication and faith, not perfection. Everything in life is not always as it seems nor is it always black and white. Somethings in life just stay in the gray.


Bre said...

THANK YOU for sharing this post! I too am a wedding planner and somewhat of a newlywed (3 1/2 years). My husband was laid off one month after we got married, so our honeymoon phase was cut very short with concerns about the economy and trying to find another job (took 2 1/2 years). Life happens after the wedding, and couples need to be aware of that. No one is truly honest about the realities of married life, so thank you so much for your transparency!

Isis said...

Thank you for reading and confirming...this was one of the hardest posts I've ever had to write but definitely necessary and honest.

Latrice of Opulent Couturier said...

Awesome post Isis, thanks for your transparency. As a single woman & a wedding planner this is helpful to me in so many ways. Thank you for being honest.

Mechett said...

Thanks for your transparency post and testimony! I'm in a marriage ministry at my church and the best thing about it is the transparency and openness--from the leadership down. When you front and put on an act (in front of people about your marriage) you're not only hurting yourself, you potentially effect others around you who are looking to you (someone who may be going through the same things or has an unrealistic picture or expectations of marriage, etc). The devil wants to break our marriages and families up. And so many couples give in and quit. But just think how many could be saved if more of us shared our tests, trials AND VICTORIES with others so they know that things will pass and they can get through them with faith, communication and commitment to their covenant. God bless you, Isis, and your marriage and business!

UrDreamPlanner said...

I LOVE this post! Not for the gray moments that you've experienced as husband and wife but for the honesty. I am not yet married but have been with my love for 6 1/2 years and we discuss marriage. But as far as being in a is HARD!! Many gray moments arise and you have to fight for your relationship. There is so much learning, compromising, sacrificing, FORGIVING, admitting you were wrong..learning how to not think about only your self...COMMUNICATION IS SO IMPORTANT!!!...Loving and supporting the other person..being honest about your feelings with yourself and then sharing it with your partner. Ugh and so much more...that I am sure you are already aware of. lol

I love the complete honesty of this post. I am soooo looking forward to marriage because I look forward to the love and life-struggle of being married. I look forward to what ever God as planned for our lives together and pray that we will grow old together! I pray that God continues to bless you both and give you endless marital happiness and the right amount of fight, encouragement, strength, belief in God, Love and so much more needed to make a marriage last!!

So happy that you were willing to be transparent enough to help someone else through life!! Gray moments...bitter-sweet times. :-)

Omu said...

Thanks for this post. It is so true and on point. Having been married for almost 16yrs I still enjoyed and benefited from the post.

Isis said...

Thank you ladies for your kind words. The outpour of responses both offline and on has been so emotional from people with the same experiences. Thank you for your support!